Passing

To “pass” is to believe other members of society will gender one correctly all of the time.

I decided to devote an entire chapter to passing because many of the obstacles in the obstacles chapter revolve around passing, and because the topic needs addressing as a whole. From what I have seen, not passing is the primary reason individuals choose to reject that they are trans.

The Truth About Passing

Do you remember in the first chapter where I said your gender identity doesn’t care how short or tall you are, fat or skinny, size 15 or size 7? This is the bedrock of a solemn truth:

You cannot change your true gender identity because you don’t pass.

Your gender identity doesn’t care what you look like, how masculine or feminine you are, or any other aspect of your body that you’d desperately like to change. But for many, passing becomes a major obstacle to identifying as trans because they don’t want to be trans if they don’t pass. Unfortunately, not passing will not make your desire to be yourself go away, your rejection of yourself will just lead to the dissociation cycle until you give in.

So what is the truth about passing?

• Passing is subjective
• You might pass after awhile even if you don’t think you will
• You don’t have to pass
• Many obstacles to passing can be overcome (see Appendix A for transmasculine detail and Appendix B for transfeminine detail)

Many people accept themselves and identify as trans with suboptimal physical characteristics. Very few people have or develop optimal physical characteristics in a short time frame, for most it takes years. Just about every trans person has the experience of not passing at some point, which makes it easy to find community and others to support you in your journey if you don’t pass.

Passing is Subjective

If you take nothing else away from this chapter, let this be it.

Whether or not other people gender you correctly will depend on how you appear to them in the moment and in their own perception, which might be particularly harsh or lenient. What this boils down to is that just like there is no biological method to determine a person’s gender identity, there is no objective tool or method to determine if you pass.

Whether or not you pass or not boils down to whether or not you believe you do. If you look in the mirror and believe you pass, then you pass. If it turns out that you believe you pass and someone else misgenders you anyways, that doesn’t mean you don’t pass because their opinion is as objective as yours - that is to say, not at all. Perhaps they misgendered you for another reason, you don’t really know. You cannot assume it’s because you don’t pass.

You Might Pass After Awhile

Passing is very much a waiting game on many levels, and you might pass even if you don’t think you will.

• If you are doing HRT it can take up to 10 years to see all the effects. This is because body fat gets redistributed slowly and body fat has a lot to do with what one’s face and body looks like. [5]
• Surgeries often take years to be completed, even for those that can afford them. Wait times are very frequently more than a year or two.
• Outside of medical transition, learning to present as one’s true gender identity requires time and effort

Many people who think they don’t pass after 3 years find they do after 5 or 7. Some people pass within a year. It varies person to person.

You Don’t Have to Pass

I will caveat this one right away. If not passing is a safety threat then do not go out unless you are passing and not alone. Otherwise, the worst that is going to happen if you don’t pass is unwanted attention. I understand that living with that unwanted attention is difficult for some people (I myself struggle with this), so in order to help you, I’ve laid out a framework below to help you live life if you don’t pass.

But you might already be thinking to yourself “that’s bullshit.” The truth is that many trans people do not believe “you don’t have to pass” because they care very deeply about passing. The problem with being concerned about passing in this way is that it makes one more likely to think they don’t pass even when they do. Remember, passing is subjective! This consistent doubt can fuel dysphoria, and it’s possible for that dysphoria to lead to discouragement that can lead to dissociation!

The truth is it’s not your responsibility to pass. You do not need to worry about anyone else, or care what anyone else has to say. There is freedom in shedding this responsibility to pass because now you can just be your fantastic self without worrying about if you’re good enough for other people. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH JUST AS YOU ARE.

How to Live Non-Passing

In a theoretically perfect world, everyone would know your gender via telekinesis and you’d never have to worry about it. In the real world people use a variety of factors to gender you, from face, voice, to clothes and more.

As a rule, when you are not trying to pass, expect to be misgendered.  

• If you’re talking on the phone with an untrained voice or a voice not matching your gender identity, expect to be misgendered.
• If you’re out and about not presenting as your true gender identity, expect to be misgendered. It will be hard for people to gender you correctly, even friends and family, if you don’t look anything like your true gender identity

The first strategy to live non-passing is to pass as much as you can with what you can afford right away. See Appendix A for transmasculine and Appendix B for transfeminine detail on cheap non-medical passing strategies. You may be surprised how much this helps and you may be gendered correctly the vast majority of the time despite not passing. Even if this is not the case, when you present your true gender identity you will feel more confident that you will be gendered correctly and you will get better outcomes.

The second strategy to live non-passing is to control who you hang around.

• If it’s a stranger that misgenders you, ignore them. You will never see them again. If stranger misgendering is getting to you, try to order your life so you aren’t around many strangers, if possible.
• You should consider keeping distance from anyone who intentionally misgenders you when you’re presenting correctly, if that is possible, or keep them at arms length if you can. That person is likely not going to support you and you’re likely never going to be good enough for them. That makes them not good for you. Don’t bother.
• By keeping a close inner circle of friends and family that gender you correctly, this will relieve dysphoria and help offset being accidentally misgendered by strangers on occasion.

Avoid Passing Envy

If you are a person who thinks they will never pass or is on a very long passing timeline, and this leads to envy, dysphoria, depression, or other forms of misery, then read this section carefully.

Pictures of other people’s transitions are NOT for you.  

Generally speaking, I discourage people from viewing other people’s transition photos because even if you don’t get passing envy from them right away, you can develop that envy over time. It is important to remember that transition takes a different amount of time for everyone. Envy will not lead you to transition faster, it will only make you miserable that you’re not transitioning faster. This makes dysphoria worse if you have it.

Nonetheless, there are entire communities dedicated to passing and rating whether or not people pass, and I know that no matter what I say I will not prevent some of my readers from participating in these communities. This is because they desperately want to pass and seeing other people gives them hope it can happen for them or makes them feel better about not passing in their current state. So I leave you with a word of caution: if you start feeling envy, STOP.

Don’t upload your photos to be rated by strangers

Annnddddd if you DO participate in passing communities despite my better recommendations, do not make the mistake of uploading your photos to be rated by strangers because you will not get a realistic assessment. Passing communities have been known to have higher-than-normal standards for judging what “passes.”

If your original thought in doing this was that you want honest feedback because you think you don’t pass and want to improve, then you may not get that. You may get an inflated, and perhaps unrealistic, set of expectations that you might not be able to meet. This could serve to enhance your dysphoria, if you have it, or bring general misery.  

Even worse, if your original thought was that you do pass and you just want to confirm it, and then they tell you that you don’t - you may get instant dysphoria and misery. Remember - passing is subjective - only you can determine if you pass or not!