Pre-Revelation

As mentioned in the first chapter, sometimes a person is aware of their gender identity in childhood. In some cases, such as my own, it stays hidden for decades. Some people will try to convince themselves that they aren’t trans because they saw no previous signs.

From what I’ve seen anecdotally, people often discover themselves either in their childhood or early 20s, but 30s, 40s, and 50s are also surprisingly common and I’ve heard of it happening as late as age 80+.

Nonetheless, it is important to reiterate that it is strictly not necessary that a person has signs in childhood or any time. The Golden Rule applies: all that is required for someone to be trans is to identify that way.

Signs during the pre-revelation period

For those who do have a pre-revelation period, there are sometimes signs during that time that a person is dissociated from their true gender identity. In some cases, a person senses something is wrong but can’t seem to put their finger on it.

A pre-revelation trans person will sometimes struggle to grasp group norms, values, and communication preferences when among peers of the same apparent gender. This often leads them to be slowly (or quickly) ostracized as it becomes clear that they are different.

In order to cope with this, a person will sometimes use learned identity management. You can think of this as studying how the group operates and then trying to emulate them by adopting the same attitudes and principles in an acting sense. An example of this would be a trans woman buying into toxic masculinity in order to learn how to “be one of the guys” so they do not face ostracism. Oftentimes this does not work, as they find they can’t pull it off. In some cases, this leads to shame later as one struggles to grasp how they could buy into toxic masculinity as a girl.

Body apathy

Body apathy is not caring about one’s body, personal appearance, or hygiene. One experiencing body apathy may fail to clean themselves properly, not be interested in buying clothes or caring what they wear, and fail to shave or care for their hair, among other things.

Oftentimes those who’ve had or have body apathy will internalize shame about having poor hygiene or being lazy and sometimes even use that to suppress their gender identity (e.g. “I can’t be a girl because I don’t buy clothes or shower often enough”)

Gender envy

Gender envy is a conscious or even unconscious affiliation for or attraction to some aspect of their true gender identity that a pre-revelation trans person hasn’t yet discovered. It often appears on lists of “signs that you’re trans” and so those who are questioning rigorously search their life histories to find examples. The truth is that you may not experience envy, or if you do, you experience it without knowing it. It’s not required to identify as trans (Golden Rule).

Gender envy can appear in subtle and sometimes undetectable ways. I didn’t realize I had gender envy when I was younger until after I identified as trans and looked back. It could be a fleeting thought like “women always get to have all the fun” or an extra long stare at the makeup counter that doesn’t register as “I’d like to try that.”

Escapism

Video games, tabletop roleplay, fiction, and online spaces all offer low-cost opportunities to be someone else, and pre-revelation trans people often take them without examining why. Playing female characters exclusively. Writing women protagonists. A username or online persona that quietly didn't match.

Near-miss explanations

A pre-revelation trans person may spend years searching for “what’s wrong” - depression, anxiety, autism, ADHD, being "just weird," being broken in some unspecified way, a bad childhood, the wrong job before finding their true gender identity. Some of these are also true and comorbid.